Things I Have Ingested While Backpacking: An Incomplete List
- Swedish Fish candies (red only)
- Chocolate pudding containing all of the things we couldn’t fit into our bear canister that night
- The charred remains of a solitary square of over-fried SPAM
- Multiple unidentified winged creatures, raw
- Crushed Pringles, with a slight residue of crushed dreams
- Occasional cat hairs
- Half an unpeeled orange, given to me by someone who probably hadn’t used soap in three weeks
- Industrial container of refried bean flakes as marketed towards Doomsday Survivalists, separated into 1.5-cup servings and topped with powdered cheddar cheese wetted with tears of joy
- Several packets of “berry flavored” Gushers candies, which I thought went extinct in the late 90s, but resurfaced in the timeless Muir Trail Ranch hiker buckets
- Payday candy bars (breakfast only)
- Starbucks VIA packets, straight
- Forest fire smoke
- Strawberry shortcake (made with fresh strawberries), hauled in by some other sucker
- Costco-sized amounts of ibuprofen
- Occasional Mountain House meals, despite the knowledge that I will fart dinner smells for about 24 hours afterwards
- High quality Humboldt County weed
- Tuna packets seasoned with taco mix and guilt
- Ramen with unintentional dirt sprinkles
- Chewy Japanese candies pressed into my hunger-stricken palm by concerned weekenders
- Small bits of fingernail, on accident
- South Fork Kern River water, flavored with the essence of cow shit
- Something I found at the bottom of my bear canister that might have been chocolate or might have been a small bit of dried mud
- Idahoan mashed potatoes topped with Cheetos
- Idahoan mashed potatoes topped with Fritos
- Fritos topped with Cheetos
- A gourmet quesadilla conjured from sun-melted Kraft singles, canned chicken, and stale tortillas
- Small bits of that stupid paper they wrap around ginger chews
- Beano
- Apple cider mixed with whiskey mixed with exhaustion
- Whatever anyone handed me, really
Photo at the top of the page is a pot of mac and cheese garnished with crushed Fritos. I ate this refined delicacy while on a break along the Pacific Crest Trail, near Clover Meadow. I had my shoes off and smelled like your teenage son’s gym socks. It was divine.
