Photo at the top of the page is a pot of mac and cheese garnished with crushed Fritos. I ate this refined delicacy while on a break along the Pacific Crest Trail, near Clover Meadow. I had my shoes off and smelled like your teenage son’s gym socks. It was divine.

I waved at his receding form a bit longer than necessary, my hand mindlessly stirring up the atmospheric inferno that was already brewing well before lunchtime. I shouldered my pack and stepped onto the trail alone, the high desert silence wrapped around me in a way that was at once both comforting and smothering. The fears I’d ruminated on for days and weeks and months all tumbled forth into a roiling stew of uncertainty. What kind of stupidity was it to charge forward on my own, just me and a backpack, me and my two calloused feet, me and my hyper-imaginative mind?

I feared waist-deep post-holing, cold clumps of snow making a slow, frosty creep down my legs to lodge in the crescents of unclipped toenails, eventually guiding me towards the brink of hypothermia. I envisioned careening down a glistening slope of verglas, watching helplessly as my ice axe loosened from my grip and plummeted out of reach before I tumbled into a pile of rocks that would serve as my makeshift memorial. Here lies Shawnté, who died like an idiot, alone and cold.

I feared a cougar’s silent lunge from some hidden granite perch, fangs gnashing through the air with a roar to settle on my tender neckflesh, slicing south to devastate an assortment of internal organs until I capitulated in an expensive, but lifeless pile of Gore-Tex and wool.

I feared Evolution Creek or Bear Creek or really, any body of water mercilessly frothing against sharp and slippery rocks, raging towards a dizzying precipice, where one faulty step would lead me head over trail runners towards becoming an alpine Davy Jones.

I feared turning the corner on a mama bear and cubs, finding myself on the wrong end of fight or flight, cowering as the ladybeast summoned her rage, deploying her painfully sharp claws to tear me and my intrusion asunder.

I feared serving as human lightning rod during an electrical storm, feeling a hot pulse sear through my skin and rip out the other end, my startled body suddenly skewered by an invisible force of angry, fiery nature.

But perhaps I was most afraid of being alone. With my thoughts, but no one to speak them to. With my fears. With my realizations. With all of the outrageous beauty around me – overwhelming, awestruck kinds of things too big to contain within my own self.

In a matter of weeks in the Sierra, I came nose to teeth with all of these things and found myself ground to a halt, stopped in my tracks, laughing at the way the world can take that which you’re most afraid of and turn it into strength and growth and everything good.

I stood in wonder as the snow fell in fat, sticky flakes in July, coating the slopes and ridgelines with an otherworldly whiteness. Two days before my birthday, a cougar crossed my path not twenty, thirty feet ahead, a slow, slinking beige swagger that captivated and terrified me at once. I crossed many a drought-starved waterway, wetting my feet – and sometimes calves, knees, thighs – with purpose and glee on those hot days, staring spellbound into the mist cartwheeling off of moss-slicked rocks. I turned a corner and came within high-fiving distance of a cinnamon black bear, whose gaze I held for at least a full minute, a mutual sizing-up and eventually, a mutual understanding that we were, in fact, just two harmless wandering souls swimming in the same great big, rock-filled bowl, and on we went. I clambered up rain-slicked granite to the knife’s edge of Glen Pass and made one of the largest vertical leaps of my life upon the almost immediate BOOM! and CRACK! of a rapidly incoming electrical storm that ushered me down the switchbacks in record-setting time.

And I was alone. A lot.

And I loved it, truly.

I hiked with so many people, old friends and new – families, Boy Scout troops, rangers, trail angels, weekenders, and so many more. But sometimes the greatest privilege came when I was left completely alone to hear and accept my thoughts and feelings, to wrap my brain around the immensity of it all. To revel in everything unearthed, no matter how uncomfortable. To accept, acknowledge, and love every part of me, no matter how flawed. To smile and laugh and feel wonders of the highest order. To realize that there is nothing to fear in being alone.

Life is different now.

More clothing options. Less dirt under the fingernails. More distractions. Less solitude.

When I returned home, I slid the key in my back door and every instinct in my body told me to yank it back out and run, run, run. Back to the desert, back to the mountains, back to the lakes, back to the scent of pine, to the scampering creatures, to the places where I felt elementally at peace.

This feeling lodged in my gut and burned brightly, day after day, until I eventually found myself careening down the highway at 3 a.m., armed with my backpack, a tall cup of coffee, and enough music to carry me five hours north. Upon arrival, I practically flung myself back on the dirt, my heart comforted by the “Pacific Crest Trail” etched into the wooden sign at Agnew Meadows. Exhale, girl, it’s gonna be alright.

Still like twin pistons from two months of hard mountain labor, my legs cranked ever upwards, the smell of sage and view of distant peaks like comfort food fueling my body. The sun settled into its familiar embrace, my perspiration gathering in the usual places. Floating on that unmistakable hiker high, I barely noticed the white puffs overhead, and all but ignored their eventual transition into the unmistakable grey blur that marks an afternoon storm in the Sierra. One drop, two drops. Ten…twenty…a hundred. Laughing, I launched into my well-practiced routine and slipped on my pack cover, then my jacket. It’ll blow over soon, I thought.

It didn’t. Instead, a hundred drops turned to a thousand, and the rain drove down hard, joined by sheets of sharp, cold hail that flicked any exposed skin like tiny electrical jolts. Thunder and lightning coursed through the air, and I ducked under some trees to attempt a nap in the melee. I slid my eyelids closed and danced around the fringes of sleep until a couple walked up with a dog named Tank or Truck or Samson or something similarly mighty. Despite its owners’ insistent tugs, the pup sauntered over and plopped down at my feet in a pile of fluffy obstinance, a silent protest against the elements. “He doesn’t care much for hail,” offered one of his people.

“Neither do I.”

Eventually, Tank or Truck or Samson was forced along on his cold, wet journey, and so was I. The weather dragged on, and pulled me down with it, until I stopped and took stock – despite the discomfort, was there anywhere else I’d rather be? No, I decided. No.

As if magically ordained by the universe, the sky cleared as I approached my destination, glittering Thousand Island Lake, lodged firmly on my list of Official Happy Places. I skipped along the north shore and found the perfect perch high above. As I set up my tent, it felt like I was finally home. While I ruminated on this comfort, the sun suddenly broke free from its grey prison and illuminated the lake. Cheers, whoops, and hollers emanated from all directions, echoing against the granite, and I joined in the joyous chorus.

After the most restful sleep in weeks, I awoke before sunrise and savored the quietude. I knew that other backpackers lay scattered around me, slumbering in their tents, but it felt like I had the place to myself. I walked to the water’s edge with my camera, careful not to trample the frost-flecked ground cover. The water was relatively still, soft tendrils of fog rolling across its surface as the sky shifted, and I sat as silent, sole witness to the sunrise. It wasn’t epic or spectacular, but there was a subtle beauty, and that was enough for me.

When I finally pulled myself away and moved back down the path to make the trek home, I no longer felt so unmoored – I realized that I may have left the trail, but the trail will never leave me.

But –

The inevitable worry kicks in. The miles. The pass. The daylight. The rain. I force myself semi-upright in the waning darkness. Out come the earplugs, off comes the hat, and once I wrestle my semi-conscious body halfway out of my cocoon, I finger comb and re-braid the gnarled mat of sunblock-smeared, dirt-crusted hair sprouting from my head, then customarily turn my nose at my own unfortunate smell.

Once less comatose, I make a full exit from my sleeping bag and replace my wool socks with one of two pair of semi-clean, semi-dry hiking socks that were likely festering in some forgotten corner of the enclosure. Then I slither out of one pair of underwear into the other, and lazily pull my sun-bleached skirt to my shrinking hips. On goes the sports bra, over that the tank top, and finally – The Shirt. Shock-stiff with dried sweat, it always sits half crumpled at the foot of the tent, just far enough away to avoid waking me with drifting waves of hard-won B.O.

Then my bandanna. Then my gaiters. Then everything else is flung just outside my tent atop a small square of blue tarp scavenged from a Dollar Store in Pasadena. I stare at it all for a little bit as I continue to dig the sleep from my eyes, then avoid the whole mess by focusing on some inappropriate form of breakfast. Payday candy bar and coffee. Cajun-flavored trail mix and coffee. A handful of nuts. A piece of saltwater taffy. Fuel.

Eventually the tarp pile beckons, so its contents are methodically crammed into Bertha, my 62-liter, literally falling-apart-at-the-seams cavern of a bag. The tent is dismantled, its scattering of condensation cursed at. Throughout this all, I maintain a steady state of prayer that I’m able to work up enough digestive magic to abscond to some semi-private location and make a deposit before hitting the trail, returning with a slight bounce in my step. You understand.

Then Bertha is slung on, the hip belt fruitlessly tightened (we all fight a losing battle against an insurmountable caloric deficit on a long-distance backpacking trip), my sit pad jammed under to help distribute the weight, and various things clipped and pulled on – camera, water bottle, fanny pack, hat, gloves, GPS. Hiking poles are set at 115, whatever that means, and it’s almost always uphill from here. To a pass, to a highpoint, to whatever 10,000-foot-plus thing I’m trying to best before the afternoon storms roar through.

Within a mile, I’m in my stride, which can really mean anything at all. I could be deep in conversation or taking deep, greedy, gasping breaths. Up, up, up. I’m almost on top of It, whatever It is that day, by lunchtime or just after, and this topness almost always becomes the emotional apex of the day, the physical highpoint after which my adrenaline begins to wane, my muscles fatigue, my bones creak against the oppressive heft of Bertha.

Before a complete shutdown, I descend in search of a place that has a mixture of both quality shade for my body and quality sun for the drying of things. Water is boiled, semi-palatable food is heated, and after a vicious tooth-gnashing that scarcely resembles more civilized human eating mechanics, I settle in to the dense brain fog of the post-lunch foma. If it’s cold, I lay prone in the quality sun; if it’s hot, I splay out in the quality shade, and then I drift off into that weird sort of head-nod naptime so common on airplanes. And apparently on granite slabs.

Once somewhat roused from my afternoon slumber, I walk for a while like Frankenstein or a newborn foal or any other awkward thing you can imagine, stumbling over talus, making heavy steps over large granite blocks. As if by magic, a second wind appears at 3 or 4pm and whips me awake. I talk to the marmots and sing to the trees and my river crossings evolve into a delicate form of riparian ballet.

Until the last mile.

The last mile to camp is always a drag. Almost always. Or always. I could be strolling through a wonderland of gold and diamonds and chocolate fountains and unicorns, but moving like an uninspired sloth. My feet are tired. My butt is gently chafed. I need nutrients.

In camp, I immediately engage in some sort of polite battle with fellow tent-pitchers over The Best Spot. “No, you pick first.” “No, no – you pick.” I invariably choose one that seems flat and windless. Seems.

Time for water math. Do I have enough? Should I filter tonight or in the morning? How much should I grab for dinner? Once finished, I regard the evening’s meal with contempt, cook it, eat it, and make one last cathole lap before retiring to my mountain chateau.

Clean the camera lens. Set the alarm. Pull out the next day’s maps and mileage and notes. Write in my journal. Spend entirely too many precious high-altitude breaths inflating my sleeping pad, then spend entirely too many minutes wriggling around on it like an angry worm. Once comfortable-adjacent, I burrow into my quilt, the soft black interior grazing my nose as I pull it tight around my face, blocking out the bright summer evening.

And then I smile…Every. Single. Time. Today was a good day. They always are.

***

Important Note for Context

I wrote this while downing a box of wine in a leaky trailer at VVR at the tail end of a solid week of vicious thunderstorms. I was reading Steinbeck and feeling poetic. And gently drunk.